High pitched laughter and screams are muffled only slightly by my dorm window. If I stand next to my brown wooden desk I can see through the screen swarms of children buzzing like bees, so carefree in the greenspace of our campus. They have no self conciousness while running in the wind, their arms spread wide like a butterfly fighting courageously against the breeze. They have no fear of failure when they step up to bat during an improptu baseball game, swinging each time with renewed strength and vigor. They are not afraid of who they are.
When exactly is it that we become so questioning. When is it that curiosity and fun turn to fear and mechanical prodding? I sit at my computer here, thumping away on my quest for intellect and I see that somehow I have metamorphosed from the girl who was SO SURE of what I wanted to do into someone who is sure of nothing. I listen to the lyrical melodies of Beatles music and my mind and the voices split into chords and I close my eyes and I soak up the melody like a daily used kitchen sponge, and with the rhythm I exhale and ring out my present. I pretend just for a moment that I am a little girl. When I was little, I wanted to be a crayon. A crayon, that was my aspiration, and I was beyond fine with that. Plans and Goals were unthinkable. I just was. I was who I was. No questions asked.
I guess everyone has that day though. Mine was when I was swimming in the pool and I wondered, "How is it that I came to be the person I am?". And it amazes me that I remember that now, but like in our essay, it was a question that plagued me. For each answer I developed I had a million new questions. Why this social class? Why a girl? Why so many siblings? How are these things supposed to affect me? What is the plan for me, what is my purpose? Who and what am I supposed to be.
When your younger you are allowed to try on different styles, you get a new pair of shoes every year, because you grow. Why are we expected to stop this at some point, why after we stop our physical growth do we have to settle on intellectual and psychological growth as well? How are we supposed to decide who we will be forever if we dont know who we are right now?
The children are shuffled and rotated into their specific placement in line as a sports management student smiles and calls out their new formation. I can see the curious child in the young man , and questioning, searching young man in the child. Which one is better? Which of them knows who they really are? Who will be happy? Oh to be a child again.
1 comment:
Cara, I found your post about growing a situation that I am going through right now. When I came to NWU I was so sure that I wanted to play golf and study science. The first eight weeks proved to be so challenging that it was hard to handle my schoolwork and my participation in a varsity sport. At the start of school I was as sure as ever that I wanted to study Biology because I had spent my summer doing a Biology research program. I had to withdraw from one of my science classes because I couldn't keep up with the work.
Since then, I've been trying to get my priorities in line. No one ever told me how hard it would be to balance everything those first few weeks. After surviving this semester, I know that in the future I will be able to handle anything. I have challenged myself to create a healthy balance between sports, my new friends, and my schoolwork. I have challenged myself to discover new things and to try things that I have a fear of failing at.
Since withdrawing from my science class, I have been questioning what am I going to do now? My major is non-existent and undecided is hardly a word I would use to describe what I want to do with the rest of my life. Confused better describes where I am at right now. I am looking forward to next semester because I am taking a political science class that will open me up to many new ideas and opportunites. I am excited for the new challenge, and I'm sure that this time I will be able to handle it!
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